oye muy goodness!!!

i know i never update... usually use myspace... but i just needed a place to write... i don't know what my problem is... y is it that every time i decide to open up myself to another person i close it up immediately. i'm sick of keeping things from myself... like the whole not dating thing.... i know i decided to not date... but there was really o reason to it... i just kinda threw it out there as a reason i was single... and excuse to hide the fact that no one is usually interested... which complicates things now... it's to the point that i'm just denying everything from myself and overly guarding my heart... which there is really no rhyme or reason to... and that confuses me. y must i hide under this mask of independence i've grown accustomed to? if someone has an answer, enlighten me, cuz i'm getting so good at confusing myself.

sense of direction, something to be desired... aarrrggghhh

so last night, i died.... well not really ;) had some excess energy after my meeting, so decided to go for a run. usually i either go to the s bridge and back or take lakeside to the playground at the middle school and back... but as i turned back from the s-bridge and came up to the gas station on 83, decided to backtrack and hit the playground to lakeside... a nice circle so i thought. First of all, i did not realize how far on 83 the school was. It kept going and going... and i had no clue where i was, with all the pretty farms, and that ginormous graveyard on the left. When i finally did reach the school, i got kind of lost. Could not find that darn playground... my marker to find lakeside... I think i ran in crazy circles all over around the high school for 20 minutes until i saw the slide at the next building... boy do i feel like an idiot.... note to self... never run a new direction without driving it first.... did not prefer getting lost in the dark... And some pick-up beeped at me and scared the bajesus aout of me... jumped pretty high and almost fell off the road... oye galoogy....

in later news, i think i might not be working at the costume shop anymore...
so about an hour ago... i had i think what would constitute as my first nervous breakdown of the semester.... and it's over... though i still may transform squirrel when the sun goes down and prance about with a scream... but that is yet to be determined. There are just not enough hours in the day, and it's a little too much to deal with. I don't have the time during the days to devote to the costume shop. My one hour free this afternoon after my voice lesson was used in practicing, something i've not had time to do yet this week, and I'm a music major... I need to practice more... so I do not have a whole 8 hours to work during the days each week!!!!!

cat lady, here i come

with myspace, i keep forgetting to update this blog... and i really should. therefore i make amends to start updating just as often as the other, well... maybe. Just got back from WPE tour last night. Really wish it wasn't over... and i think i'm smitten... well, maybe a little. But nothing will probably come of it, it's not like it ever does. i am destined to become the crazy lil old cat lady who has no relatives and scares the little children until no one comes to her funeral. This is a bad, bad thought, since my life's ambition is to become a mom... i'll be unfulfilled for life. Why does nothing ever happen to me. It makes me kind of depressed... when you see someone holding hands... or arms around each other... or just the look you see between people. i want that... i want closeness... someone to know my thoughts and desires... to so deeply know me that a look comes and they know exactly what i'm thinking. I want to look at someone and right away know that something's wrong... or incredibly right. I want to be held so that even my dreams are fair game. I want love in my life, but am desperately afraid it will never happen... and my quirky smile goes upside down. I don't want to be miserable and alone all my life.

oye galoogy

so i kinda wish i had a cat to hug right now... or a rather large stuffed animal... even a large man-hug :)... guess a pillow will have to suffice

es ist nicht mein Tag

so it goes without saying... my life is pretty much as confused as it can get. kudos to the rollercoaster of mad-cow disease running rampant in this so-called brain. Pray tell me what i'm actually thinking, cuz captain oblivious has taken over the ship. i'm fools gold to the lucky onlooker with his pick-axe of a double-blade sinking deep without drawing a drop. just to add the kicker, already feel uber poopy, for lack of a better word. tomorrow is always another day, but rapture-less feelings bring down the fruit bat to explore, but would rather just be taken before the crazy hick with the couch by the mailbox takes a seat and starts playin some target practice. "If only my wings were more fluttery!" she desperately cries out in the midst of panick. The phoenix is off. More dangerous and exciting adventures wait, so let's leave the wilting teacup daisy to mold in confusion and ignorance. Oh, blessed ignorance, inhabit my being again so that i may believe the best and be ignorant and naive on this planet we so fondly call earth... blessed mother earth, why do you let the darkness escape your reins to swallow up the soul that longs to please you? take the darkness away and replace it once again with the sunflower seed, crisp out of the oven... roasted to perfection... no basil leaves, bitte.
~Auf Wiedersehen!
and a Tschüss! just for emphasis

es ist nicht mein Tag!!!! ...translation: It is not my day!!!!!!!!!

so i've actually decided to start using this, as i know that no one will have the intention of reading it since it will not be so readily available as is xanga or myspace. sometimes the urge to write something comes, and who has the time for a journal, so a blog works... then the problem of friends reading and upset feelings may occur, so to aleviate the stress of watching words, i have returned... well started :) contrary to popular belief, words are not expensive, and the wasting of words is highly encouraged, my fellow contrymen. so let down your liederhosen and let's get jiggy with it in the wee hours of the morgen.

the spotted dick has contaminated my already liver infested potroast, and it's enveloping my wiener-roast existance in this potluck.